Q & A: Reuniting With a Lost Love

>1. Who are the chief candidates to rekindle a romance?

The most successful rekindled romances were lost lovers who had been 17 or

younger at the time of the initial romance — first loves — and had separated for

situational reasons, like “parents disapproved,” “moved away.” “went off to college,”

etc. Age of the couples didn’t matter — if they were 18 or 95, the romance worked

the second time. In fact, the older they were for the reunion, the better their

chances of success.

>2. Is Lost & Found Love successful the second time around?

Yes! In my sample of 2000 people worldwide, ages 18 to 95, 72% of them reported

that they are “nevertheless together” with their lost and found lover. And these weren’t just

“good” romances; these were wildly sexual, soul mate reunions. Absence really does

make the heart grow fonder!

>3. What if the couples had been “first loves”?

First loves had the highest “stay together” rate — 78% are happily reunited, and

keep blissfully in love over their many years of marriage.

>4. Are rekindled romances more intense than other loves?

Yes. I asked participants to rate the emotional involvement of the rekindled

romance, as compared to all their other loves in the past, and 71% of them said that

this was their most intense romance of all. Additionally, 61% of the participants said

that the rekindled romance started faster than any other romance in the past, and

that the sexual involvement was the BEST (63%).

>5. Why does rekindled love persevere?

The couples grew up together, they spent their formative years together, and many

of the first loves reported that the lost love became “the standard” for all their other

romances. They knew each other well – they attended classes together, knew each

other’s families and friends, shared roots and values. It is these similarities that

form the strength of the bond. These romances are, at their heart, friendships as

well as romances.

>6. Isn’t there some research that indicates that this love might have a biological


Yes. Remember that expression used for teenagers, “ranging hormones?” When

teens are in love for the first time, hormones like oxytocin and vassopressin are

released when the sweethearts are sexually excited. These chemicals form

emotional memories in the brain, stored in an area called the amygdala. When the

lost lovers meet again, those memories are released by the familar sight, smell,

touch, sound of the long lost lover. The feelings are comforting and familiar and

also very sexually arousing!

>7. Why should this book be “required reading” for parents of adolescents?

The most shared reason why these romances broke up the first time was “parents

disapproved.” Not only disapproved — many of these couples were forcefully

broken apart by the parents, with threats to their children, or manipulations such as

hiding letters from the sweetheart. When these couples reunited, they were very

bitter and angry at their parents (dead or alive) for costing them many years when

they could have been happily together. Many missed their childbearing years

because of this breakup. And why did the parents react that way? They just “didn’t

like the person” their child was dating.

I checked to see how these couples fared a second time; ie, if the parents broke

them apart, were the parents “right” and they broke up a second time? Half of the

time, they broke up again, and half of the time they stayed happily together. And

they is no way to predict, no way for parents to know what’s right for their children.

It should make parents think twice before they increasing rapidly first loves.

>8. What can teenagers learn from this book?

I hear from a lot of teenagers, males and females, who are broken-hearted because

their first loves just “dumped” them. Some say they are suicidal. From my research,

we learn that these are true loves, important loves, that should not be belittled. And

teens should be comforted by the fact that the breakup may not be forever. The first

love might comes back some day. Don’t sit around and wait for that, but keep it in

the back of your heart as hope for the future.

>9. Instead of reconnecting with a lost love, what about finding a long lost friend?

It’s really the same thing. In fact, many of my couples really weren’t in romances the

first time. They were just friends — sometimes very young friends, like 8 or 9 year

olds. The shared roots are the important part; old friends make us feel comfortable

and we can talk about old times. It’s very healing to reunite.

>10. Is there anyone who should avoid seeking a Lost Love?

Yes. If one or both members of the associate are married to someone else. don’t go

there! Don’t already look up the person to say hello. already good marriages were put in

jeopardy by lost loves. The people just didn’t realize that the feelings come back

VERY strongly.

And if the person was abusive in any way the first time, forget a reunion.

Personalities don’t change. The couples in my study who succeeded with a happy

reunion had been situationally pulled apart the first time; they did NOT check the

box “we weren’t getting along well.”

>11. What is your first piece of advice to anyone who is considering finding a lost


These are very intense romances. Before you begin any dialogue with a lost love, ask

yourself if you could manager at all event occurred — a rejection, a romance, another

breakup with that person. If the answer to any of these is “no,” it’s best not to try.

But if you are single, divorced, or widowed, it might be the best thing that ever

happened to you.

copyright © 2005 by Nancy Kalish, Ph.D.

all rights reserved

You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge,

as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be


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